*The following is not the opinion of CDUM, MFCD, MDP, NCAA, NAACP, AARP, NRA, NASCAR, NFL, CFL, or anyone else for that matter… except the author. I apologize in advance for none of this being funny.*
1) Some professor got the first Golden Apple Lifetime Achievement Award. Apparently rather than hold some sort of banquet they interrupted his class, how rude. Am I the only one who looked at this picture and saw that he looked like the stereotypical English Professor?
2) Apparently President Obama lifted Stem Cell research restrictions, now I am torn. My priest told me this is bad, but my doctor told me it was good. I usually side with the doctor because he gives me a lollipop after each visit. This actually combines two of my favorite things, saving lives and pissing of ignorant people!
3) There is some sort of organization that the City Council is supporting now, I guess they want to send water purification equipment to Iraq. The only issue I see with this is that it’s Iraq, do they have water to purify in the desert?
4) Joe Diamond, the man with the greatest name ever is starting some organization or whatever that is gonna help Detroit kids do something… I read the article I swear, but it said Kineseology and I just stopped caring. Oh now I remember, he wants to help foster good sportsmanship and take kids to Michigan sports, and there is a dodgeball tournament. Nothing says good sportsmanship like throwing a ball at the fat kid with glasses.
5) Some guy who works at Cafe Ambrosia got a write up, in which Starbucks is referred to as conservative. I personally am afraid of Ambrosia, ever since I talked bad about Marx and Lenin. Though the guy does seem level headed, he doesn’t plan to work there much longer because he is “old.” It’s sad that we consider late-20s old.
6) A student in MoJo was taken to the hospital for a cut foot, they were treated for a minor case of the booboos. A lunch bag full of money and credit cards was stolen from the hospital, I don’t know if I would want to eat the for lunch anyways. The ladder on a truck pulled a Saturn out of it’s parking space, which makes me oh so happy.
7) The Daily is upset that smokers are gonna be taxed more to fund S-CHIP. As a smoker, I couldn’t care less. We choose to start smoking, we can choose to quit; if you want to tax me for that go right ahead don’t cry to me about underprivileged people not having quiting options. Cold Turkey is always an option, and it’s always delicious with mustard, mayo, lettuce and rye bread. Apparently because I am a liberal I don’t support the free market, and my support of abortion rights mean I should? Yeah, this guy is an idiot, I can’t make a joke here. I do support the free market, all we want is for it to be fair as well. 
The arts section had a column about bringing Bollywood movies to Ann Arbor. He mentioned the midwest drive-ins. We still have Drive-Ins? I am gonna say this though, so I am clear, I am not gonna pay $5 to see a bunch of people dancing to music I do understand, so why would I want to pay to see Bollywood movies? Ba humbug I say!
9) Beilein doesn’t think the Basketball team is a lock for the “Big Dance.” Funny I didn’t know we had invited the basketball team to the Demutante Ball, but I guess that could be fun!