*The following is the opinion of the author and her alter ego. It in no way reflects policies, public statements, practices or projections by the U of M College Dems, the University of Michigan, the MFCD or Josh LeVasseur. We tend to disagree a lot.*
1. The Daily leads off today with a thrilling story about the Bell Tower – don’t worry people, it still exists! According to the “full story” which is a three sentence blurb under the picture, one of the bells is the third largest in North America. Great, once again we’re just ALMOST the best at something. Maybe this explains the US News and Report rankings.
2. According to the Daily (the beacon of on-the-spot national coverage) Obama is committed to increasing aid towards higher tuition. Great!!! Everyone, stop worrying! This article includes quotes that allude to interesting points such as “money helps me pay for school” and “more money means more school.” Leaders and the best in bell towers and newspaper interviews.
3. MSA supported a resolution to get the ball rolling on “Stop the Hike” which is a campaign addressing the need for a tuition freeze. For the first time in my Daily Daily career I’m abstaining from a joke as I am shocked that something is finally happening within chambers, and know anything snarky I have to say would be wildly influential. Here’s to you, MSA.
4. Because apparently everybody and his/her mother (see, ain’t nobody gonna be able to unpack my Daily Daily) would like to film movies at the school, the University is starting its very own film office. What is kind of sad about this is that I’m not sure they realize that filming a movie for Rob Schnieder is sort of like making out with your GSI – it seems kinda cool and kitchy until you realize he/she does it with everyone, doesn’t actually have credentials yet and starred in that movie “Decue Bigalow Male Gigalo”
5. The Statement is looking for nominations of “Student of the Year” (hint hint hint best Daily Daily writer evah!!!!). I nominate Slack Martin for being toothless, fearless and still cherubic.
6. The Daily is now calling upon the school to uphold the Bill of Rights because apparently “The Michigan Daily” is really layman’s terms for United States Supreme Court. I had no idea that Gary Graca moonlighted as John Roberts!
7. There is a cartoon with a picture of people waiting in line for “Kegs of Vodka” – I’m not sure where the joke in this is, but give me the directions to this place because I hate beer. JK I don’t drink. JK it’s opposite day. JK let’s end this joke now before my Daily Daily’s revoked indefinitely.
8. Okay I rescind my closing argument in #7 – the Statement has provided readers with an entire days worth of meals measured in terms of alcohol. Great! Their description of “Red Headed Happy Hour” ultimately asks the reader to spend 3 hours, instead of one, and suggests something else to do by the end of it. I’m genuinely glad whomever wrote this was drunk during it’s composition because it proves a sense of journalistic integrity since he or she must really believe in the article.
9. I tried reading the article about football spring practice, I really did. But as I scrolled through it me eyes were caught by something that said “Pocket Protectors” in hopes it would be an allusion I could relate to – I couldn’t.
10. Finally, the psychology department is offering $25 to anyone willing to participate in an “experiment” – just remember people, even though we stopped testing on dogs, it doesn’t mean we’ve stopped testing.
Annnnnd I’m spent.