Tag Archives: Daily Daily
*The following is a work of satire and does not represent the views or opinions of CDUM, MFCD, MCP, DNC, UM, UAW, AFL-CIO, NFL, CFL, NHL, OHL, NCAA, NAACP, NAIA, or AARP.*
1) The art museum is going to open soon, with students getting a special sneak peak tonight.Â Apparently they want it to be like the diag, only instead of duck, it’ll have real art everywhere.
2) The Ann Arbor News is going to stop running a daily print edition.Â All three readers of the News have been contacted about their loss.
3) The university is merging the library with the university press.Â That way all those books no one reads will go straight to the shelf rather than a warehouse somewhere. (more…)
This is my own work of potentially brilliant literature and it does not represent the views of College Dems, MFCD, UMDM, MSA, GSIs, the President, Hugo Chavez, or the state of Montana.
1.There is a large picture of an angry man on the front page of the Daily. I realize that basketball is a big deal, but who does this guy think he is to scream at the team like that? The coach?
2.The other headlining article is about how GSIs accept student friend requests on Facebook. Apparently there are concerns about â€œinappropriate relationshipsâ€ between GSIs and students. What are they doing? Having cyber sex?
3.Apparently Dance Marathon didnâ€™t get as much funding this year. Actually, I just think they weren’t able to get as many people to drink the Kool-Aid. (more…)
These views are those of the author alone and in no way represent the beliefs of the UMCD, MFCD, MDP, DNC, Sam Marvin, Sam Marvin’s Communist overlords, or Barbara Gao
1. Â Basically we are great at basketball. Â That was pretty much the only story in the Daily today — as well it should have been. Â 4 or 5 on Saturday we will beat Oklahoma. Â All of you girls will watch it. Â Otherwise I’ll get drunk and punch you in the face. (more…)
Disclaimer: Please note that the opinions reflected in this satirical take of our great student publication are those of the author alone and do not reflect those of the College Democrats, MFCD, or the Democratic Party
1. UofM’s endowment wasn’t hit as hard as other schools’ endowments because we didn’t invest much in mortgage backed securities. I knew this the whole time. All we need is Michigan grads running ever major position in the country and we’ll be all good.
2. The elections software malfunctioned last night and wiped out 747 votes, causing those people to have to revote. If Pat Buchanan ends up winning MSA elections, that’s when we’ll really know that there may have been too much error.
3. A pediatric opthomalogist professor operates on kid’s eyes all across the world in the back of a plane all around the world. This is so awesome that he deserves a super hero title like Dr. Aireye or maybe call the plane “Eyes in the Sky”. Why yes I did get five hours of sleep last night. Why do you ask?
4. The crime notes today are pretty good. Allegedly a student peed outside of Martha Cook at 1230 am on Wednesday morning. I am shocked, shocked that this would happen on St. Patrick’s day night. I personally celebrated Irish culture by reading traditional Irish folk stories and reading histories of St. Patrick. I am highly disgusted at those who would defile this important cultural holiday with drinking and public acts of urination.
5. The stimulus bill will increase food stamps in Michigan and medical marijuana is now legal and won’t be raided in states who legalized. Both are good and I feel like they are somehow related.
6. The editorial page was average today except for one op-ed. Skip down three paragraphs if you don’t want to read my diatribe. There was an editorial decrying any free health care in America. His points:
a. My family went to the emergency room a lot when we were younger-1. That’s what copays are for. 2. In any system, there will always be people who consume more health care. The point is that if people are covered they will be healthier in general and won’t need to go to the emergency room as much 4. They are already overcrowded, even for people without their free health care that he decries, so we’re not really talking about much of a change. 5. Obama’s plan covers community health centers which serve the same function, while still allowing emergency services. See here: http://www.eschatonblog.com/2009/03/community-health-centers.html
b. The VA buys older drugs for military veterans which is abuse-1. VA Care is the best in America-http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/features/2005/0501.longman.html 2. See here for a refuting of the exact points:
And that’s it. He doesn’t account for people who can’t afford health care or who are underinsured right now. He draws wild conclusions based off his families actions and an out of context study that ignores the larger picture of VA Care. It’s a poor op-ed piece that some basic facts can refute rather easily.
7. Michigan plays tonight against Clemson in the NCAA tournament. It will be a glorious victory, but it’s okay to miss it. We will have five more wins this season, so just watch those.
Come to the Blogging Convention tonight and remember to vote for Josh LeVasseur and our other endorsed candidates for MSA.
Doin’ it live since 1988,
This could be yours!
The following opinions are to be interpreted as belonging to me, Rebecca G. Egler, and me alone. They do not reflect the official feelings (is that legally recognizable?) of the University of Michigan College Democrats, the blog, Tom Duvall or the Peace Corps.
1. The third of a four part series talking about the Endowment leads us off this… oh wait, I’m already bored.
2. There is a profile of Abhishek Mahanti, the Michigan Vision Party’s Presidential candidate which includes a HUGE visual representation of his hands. (HAHA?) The only truly blatant flaw in the article’s voter persuasion attempt is the fact that it mentions his involvement with Dance Marathon, which on a Michigan scope boils down to a friendship with Bill Ayers.
3. Next is an article showcasing reMichigan’s Presidential candidate, Gibran Baydoun. Surprisingly… this article seems STRIKINGLY similar which is disconcerting as I was under the impression that aside from sporadic capitalization policies, the two parties were vastly different… VOTE JOSH LEVASSEUR (more…)
*The following should not be taken seriously and is in no way the opinion of CDUM, MDP, MFCD, UM, MSA, MVP, DAAP, NCAA, NAACP, USSR, CCCP, or anyone else for that matter including the author.*
1) There was an debate last night with the MSA presidential candidates, it seems pretty tame according to the article.Â Which is so shocking considering both parties are so very different… do you sense the sarcasm?Â Vote for Me!!!Â Seriously, Please, I need the help!!!
2) The professors want more protection to say whatever they like.Â I think this is a fair request, considering they already make half this shit up anyways.
3) Some grads from the engineering college with the help of google have connected Kenyans to the interwebs.Â Because eBay, YouTube, and Facebook are exactly what Kenya needs to join the first world.
4) Mary Sue, that feisty minx, has said the university is going to keep growing even during economic hardtimes.Â I’d say she has a 50/50 shot of being right, I say we take all our funds out of stocks and put it into gold, then we turn the Pfizer complex into our own For Knox.Â That’s economic growth we can believe in, plus when the world fails to recover from this recession they will unite under the University of Michigan, which will by then be it’s own nation. (more…)
The opinions expressed herein do not represent the views of the DNC, MDP, UMCD, or our new overlords Tom Duvall and Chairman Mao
1. Basketball dominated Iowa to ensure a place in the NCAA tournament.Â Iowa’s season is over.Â Apparently, ethanol and agribusiness are the only losers that get subsidized in Iowa.
Disclaimer: Please note that these opinions are those of the author alone and do not reflect those of the College Democrats as an organization, MFCD, Barack Obama, or anybody else.
1. Lots of new transfers are coming back to the University of Michigan to get cheaper in-state tuition, leading to lots of financial issues and residency issues. That’s one way to get young people moving back into the state.
2. Wide Receiver Darryl Stonum got sentenced for his DUI and could get up to 90 days in prison. If he catches a break here, it will be the first thing he’s caught this entire year. No, but seriously, I really hope he has a good year next year. We need him.
3. Nickels Arcade is apparently going strong with their business model of being random stores in a corridor students walk through and don’t go into.
4. 405 people were picked up in a sweep around the state for outstanding warrants, including 150 sex offenders. If for some reason attendance tonight at Kick Ass Thursday seems light, you know why.
5. The Law Library is underground and amazing. It’s great that they’re telling us how awesome it is in the paper for undergraduates when we’re not allowed in the friggin’ place. Thanks a lot. I’m sure that there’s also some delicious looking cake in a locked display case somewhere that the Daily could tell us about too.
6. Editorial page isn’t really exciting today. The only major thing of note is the cartoon in the corner which is one of the most depressing things i have ever read in my life. Even Monopoly isn’t safe from economic recession jokes.
7. I turn to the next page and I see the source of hope and light and joy in the world: Michigan basketball. We play today at 230 against Iowa. If we win, we are most likely in to the NCAA Tournament. If we lose and we miss the tournament, I will be plunged into a strong state of despair. Please win and go to the tournament. Please?
8. The back page of the front section is a list of people who are better than you. The thing about being here is that there are a lot of them
9. Kiss of the Spider Woman will be on Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the Power Center. It’s a gritty musical, which is musical directed by Danny Abosch, a proud Dem. Please go, as it should be awesome and the music’s amazing. Yeah, I like musicals. What of it?
10. I generally skip entertainment stuff. Reading about new bands isnt really exciting to me.
*The following is the opinion of the author and her alter ego. It in no way reflects policies, public statements, practices or projections by the U of M College Dems, the University of Michigan, the MFCD or Josh LeVasseur. We tend to disagree a lot.*
1. The Daily leads off today with a thrilling story about the Bell Tower – don’t worry people, it still exists! According to the “full story” which is a three sentence blurb under the picture, one of the bells is the third largest in North America. Great, once again we’re just ALMOST the best at something. Maybe this explains the US News and Report rankings.
2. According to the Daily (the beacon of on-the-spot national coverage) Obama is committed to increasing aid towards higher tuition. Great!!! Everyone, stop worrying! This article includes quotes that allude to interesting points such as “money helps me pay for school” and “more money means more school.” Leaders and the best in bell towers and newspaper interviews.
3. MSA supported a resolution to get the ball rolling on “Stop the Hike” which is a campaign addressing the need for a tuition freeze. For the first time in my Daily Daily career I’m abstaining from a joke as I am shocked that something is finally happening within chambers, and know anything snarky I have to say would be wildly influential. Here’s to you, MSA. (more…)
*The following is not the opinion of CDUM, MFCD, MDP, NCAA, NAACP, AARP, NRA, NASCAR, NFL, CFL, or anyone else for that matter… except the author.Â I apologize in advance for none of this being funny.*
1) Some professor got the first Golden Apple Lifetime Achievement Award.Â Apparently rather than hold some sort of banquet they interrupted his class, how rude.Â Am I the only one who looked at this picture and saw that he looked like the stereotypical English Professor?
2) Apparently President Obama lifted Stem Cell research restrictions, now I am torn.Â My priest told me this is bad, but my doctor told me it was good.Â I usually side with the doctor because he gives me a lollipop after each visit.Â This actually combines two of my favorite things, saving lives and pissing of ignorant people!
3) There is some sort of organization that the City Council is supporting now, I guess they want to send water purification equipment to Iraq.Â The only issue I see with this is that it’s Iraq, do they have water to purify in the desert? (more…)